How Can I Say This

Back on the corner of sin and sacrament
little girls in plaid skirts on their knees spent
begging for forgiveness, not one was innocent
cause there was an apple and there was a serpent

Down in the basement, the boys came and went
I was playing Lois Lane to their Clark Kent
and that man of steel was preparing for his grand ascent
cause there was an apple and there was a serpent

Oh my Eden,
lead me not into temptation

but deliver my soul, this heart was hell-bent
on trying to make love not trying to prevent
a future that would look so different
cause there was an apple and there was a serpent

I was taught to never waste a good drunk
when there’s so much power of a sharp tongue
Down the hatch, drop my guard, open to his thirst
Learning sometimes hurts

I was taught the way to win affection
from a master of deception
Now he’s trying not to wake me while he buttons up his shirt
learning sometimes hurts

OH, I learned to be a devil when the angel wasn’t looking
I learned there are secrets you don’t tell
I learned that folks like me are going straight to hell

Why’d they teach us that Columbus was a hero
Why do some boys hear “yes” when you say “no”
then look at you with eyes that say we get what we deserve
learning sometimes hurts

I’ll build a shrine to all the lies I’ve learned
strike a match step back and watch it burn

I was taught a different kind of lesson
using my mother’s favorite weapon
she said forgiveness isn’t easy when they’re treating you like dirt
but learning sometimes hurts

I learned about forgiveness from someone who had it worse
I was taught that learning sometimes hurts

Two Different Things
© 2020 Annie Capps/Maynard Music/BMI

what he heard and what you said
are two very different things
bit your tongue and while it bled
Danced a jig as he pulled on your strings
there’s a jackknife in your pocket just out of reach
the blade is duller than a politician’s speech

the preacher does and the preacher says
two very different things
the prophet living in his head
is not the one who’s got you kissing his rings
take a peek behind the curtain see the puppeteer
on a pedestal as shaky as a chandelier

Your reality is better served by default
with a chaser of suspicion and a grain of salt

What they see and what they get
are two very different things
the coroner is dripping with sweat
And the victim started sprouting his wings
the truth is never ever simply black or white
even when it’s hiding out in broad daylight
now and then you’ll find it in the great hindsight

I love you more than I ever can say
but I need you to leave me alone
it’s not you, it’s me, goes the dreaded cliche
bending your will to my own

how can I say this without breaking your heart?

you are the voice I’ve been holding on to
now I need you to leave me alone
Losing myself in this longing for you
my power has been overthrown
how can I say this without breaking your heart x2

I need to know what it feels like
I need to know what it feels like without you

under my skin, indelibly
attached to my trembling bones
you are a part of my anatomy
but I need you to leave me alone
how can I say this without breaking your heart

bloodshot from weeping my Polaroid eyes
are fading into monochrome
You are the dusk devoid of fireflies
And I need you to leave me alone
how can I say this without breaking your heart
Please let me say this without breaking your heart
How can I say this

I love you more than I ever can say
but I need you to leave me alone

Got a good left hook and fragile right brain
got a habit of dancing right into the pain
tripping over my words, ending up on the ropes
i’m my own referee and that call was too close

gonna stand my ground even when I know
you found me out and it’s starting to show
I come out swinging and beat you to the punch you were never gonna throw

And now youre down for the (10, 9, 8) and I’m out the back (6, 5, 4)
So will you or won’t you get up off the floor
I’m not waiting around. Trust me, I know that look
And I can’t make you take back what you never took

it’s my story and i’m sticking to it
There’s no way you can make me see through it
Do you really think I don’t know how badly I blew it?

Still I stand my ground even when I know
you found me out and it’s starting to show
I come out swinging
I come out swinging
I come out swinging and beat you to the punch
you were never gonna throw

The wrecking ball is scheduled to arrive today
my father’s house is coming down
5 tons of steel can not destroy all my memories
but I can watch them hit the ground
wood and glass, brick and stone
all the ghosts who lingered have long since flown

I can still hear the garage door opening
just enough time to run upstairs
in my room i could be spared undue reckoning
staying out of his cross hairs
you start to pick up on the clues
all the little things it would take to blow a fuse

it’s over now
seems so small as it tumbles earthbound
I forage for forgiveness
neath the shattered walls of madness scattered all around

My Father’s house had eggshells across every floor
that’s bad news for this clumsy child
I learned to fear the smell of old spice and nicotine
and the hint of vodka in his smile
too many walls too many rooms
a well-seasoned pot roast with just a dash of doom
it’s over now
seems so small as it tumbles earth-bound
‘neath the shattered walls of madness
i forage for forgiveness
scattered all around

The wrecking ball is scheduled to arrive today
my father’s house is coming down

dirty little secret
wherever I am there you are
you’ll be riding shotgun
I know how to drive this car
we can keep the headlights low
nobody will know
it’s you and me
under lock and key

dirty little secret
nothing that I feel can be unfelt
never mind the jury
they can’t see the hand we’re dealt
we don’t have to play these cards
give them our regards
find a saint out there
who can hear our prayer

There’s no need to poke that bear
no bridges need to burn
no confessor needs to hear my, hear my, hear my

dirty little secret
carried all the way into the grave
we don’t have to worry
on our headstone they’ve
written herein lies the loving
daughter, wife,
sister and friend who led a
beautiful life

the walls here are the color of shame
no one waiting has a name
we carry someone else’s blame
we are the silent

sweet reluctance holds my hand
no one stares they understand
think I spy one gold band
we are the silent

unspeakable, unspeakable
don’t speak

plastic flowered windowsills
3 $100 dollar bills
we’re nevers, maybes or untils
we are the silent

the scent of choices poorly made
a room full of thoughts replayed
resignation never fade
we are the silent

unthinkable, unthinkable
don’t think
unspeakable, unspeakable
don’t speak

the chance to ever see your face
I have come here to erase
without a sound, without a trace
you are the silent

When the part of me you think you know
crashes into the part of me I never show
wandering round in the debris
you’ll find there a raw and ragged used to be

there’s a hard rain river bound
and the grand facade is coming down

When the neon sign across my face
starts to flicker at a ruthless pace
and in a flash, the light goes dim
now I walk in circles on this phantom limb

there’s a hard rain, river bound
the grand facade is coming down

drifting with the current
of this missing and enduring in a
future as unsure as

For bridge harmony: lo part sings: drifting with missing and enduring future unsure
hi part sings: drifting with the current missing and enduring future unsure

when the part of me that let her go
wakes up with the part of me that loved her so
aching arms lay down the weight
of too long on the wrong side of sorrow’s gate

there’s a hard rain river bound
while the world keeps spinning round and round
the grand facade is coming down

This place is getting crowded
and someone in here shouted fire
this place is getting crowded
and someone in here shouted fire
and now they’re climbing out the windows
tripping over egos
making lots of room
for better thoughts to bloom
this place is getting crowded

my insides have been outed
Think I might have sprouted wings
my insides have been outed
Think I might have sprouted wings
like an oyster and her pearl
wide open to the world
gonna climb out of that shell
and raise a little hell
this place is getting crowded

On a planet full of people who have different ways of seeing what they know
What I know is when I’m sending up my flare, there’s always someone who’s been there (to say) “You’re not alone”

this heart was impounded
now the demons are surrounded by love
this heart was impounded
now the demons are surrounded by love
the space between my ears
holds the battle scars and fears
of a little girl in pain
who learned to love the rain
this place is getting crowded

Here’s my turn this is me, second driveway on the right just before the curve
They don’t ever plow this road, might want to take it slow, welcome to my world
Remember Monday’s little glimpse of spring?
It woke the bees and now the hives are all covered up with snow
February’s fickle that way, I am too,
you know first-hand how long I take to let things go

and you ask me if I ever miss the city
and I tell you that I only sometimes do

See that gravel pit across the road
it used to be alive now those boys are out of work
I feel bad for them, I do but I like the quiet
until the neighbor’s shotgun fire takes me out of my comfort

and you ask me if I ever miss the city
and I tell you …

… there’s no more neon lights to faint the stars, I swear the moon’s a million times bigger out here
It’s where I untangle every knot I’m tied up in and the rest of the world disappears

Soon will be the time for planting
maybe this year I can finally grow a little garden
Yes I know I know I know
but just look at all the green, can you believe
this is my backyard

(so don’t) and you ask me if I ever miss the city
(I will) and I tell you that I only sometimes do
I still sometimes do

I’ve been far too busy lately
Filling up my plate with
Things that leave a really nasty taste in my mouth
Overly consumed with
All the ways we’re doomed while
Trying to make room for what I should be leaving out

Yesterday I listened to my breath for the first time in ages
Read a real book made out of paper, got through almost 7 pages

I’ve come dangerously close to
Picking up the phone to
Boast about the way that all my anger has subsided
Everywhere I look there’s
Evidence of crooked and creative ways it took for me to try and hide it

Yesterday a sunbeam hit the curtains for the first time in ages
Still don’t understand why grief has to go through so damn many stages

When the needle on the record
Dances cross the same words
Someone else who isn’t me might pick it up and move it
Over to a new song
The would feel so wrong
With the solace I find when I’m stuck inside this groove

Yesterday I chose to wear mascara for the first time in ages
as the force field around my bleeding heart finally disengages

Yesterday my inner songbird sang out for the first time in ages
All the doors flew open on her tortured little cages